the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
