Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
