How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
