Hippo gnu deer
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize