If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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