Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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