DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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