I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
