i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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