Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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