he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
