I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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