I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
