Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
