I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
