Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
