I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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