Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I didn't notice because vodka
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
