How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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