She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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