My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
