In the future we'll all be gay
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
