I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
