Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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