i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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