I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Randomize
