A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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