How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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