Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
