I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
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