Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
