can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
