I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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