Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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