i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
