no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
