Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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