you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
my shit smells like andre
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
