if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
