how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
