Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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