I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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