I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
