I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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