Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
