I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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