he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
