During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
