Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
