The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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