we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
