My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
