not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
