I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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