My underwear smells like fireworks.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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