i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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