never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
