update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
