Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
