Ketchup is God's man juice
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
But theres a keg here and me gusta
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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