My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
