I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
