fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I want a musical about memes.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
