Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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