You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I need to sanitize my soul.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
