I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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