I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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