I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
